Hi Trainor Malone,

Thought you might be mildly amused by this anecdote...
I popped in on dear lovely Granathon on Sunday and caught her just as she was having lunch. It was a typical Blair special of banana on toast and the generous woman that she is offered to make me some. Of course there was a few potential hazards in this seemingly innocent act. Firstly the toast itself. Most older people I have found seem to like their toast cooked to the point of crunchy that I just can't be doing with. I got round this easy enough however by quickly pushing the abort button (to pop the toast up quicker than would have happened if left to it's own devices) when dear gran had her head stuck in the cupboard fumbling for a plate. The next part...butter! Why is it people of Gran's generation spread the butter on two inches thick? admittedly I don't mind it as much as when I was a kid and not only would the item in question be buttered to within an inch of it's life but also have the hidden delight of big squashy fly like sultanas that you wouldn't discover until you had claimed a baked good as your own and taken a huge bite in full view of many adults. I decided the butter I could let go and accept whatever came my way, at least it wasn't on fruit bread - a horror I have never managed to embrace. Finally it was time for the banana and I watched in despair as Gran peeled it from top to bottom without chopping any bits off. You know what that means...the brown bit was still attached! I couldn't help but think that prehaps my karma had finally come calling for when Kelli and I used to mash the brown bit in to your toast and not tell you until after you had eaten it. Yeah sorry about that. Anyway all I could do was watch carefully as to where the dreaded brown bit ended up and hope to hell I could remove it without detection when the toast was in my possession. (Dear Gran insisted she make the toast for me, despite my protests). In the end I can only hope I managed to remove the brown bit in it's totality! Love ya sis xox

No Toilet Paper.........

Here's a funny story for ya

Yesterday I was shopping for a pressie for you and started getting that "I've gotta do poo's soon" feeling, you know the one where everywhere you go in a shop it starts to get a not so clean toilet smell, cos gas is starting to sneak out.

So I finished my shopping as quick as I could and then made my way to one of those automatic, mechanical, self-cleaning toilets that never seem to be clean.

Imagine my horror after my poo, when I go to retrieve some toilet paper and...there was none!!!

The automatic toilet dispenser just continued to turn with an infuriating whirring sound but no paper!

If you know the toilets I am talking about (the one's with the automatic doors that you constantly live in fear of opening automatically well your still sitting on the loo, or not opening at all when you want to leave) you will know that although they never seem clean (despite being supposedly self cleaning - my other fear is that they will start self-cleaning while I am still in there),they are completely sterile. By that I mean even McGyver himself would not be able to find anything to wipe his arse in the absence of toilet paper.

There is nothing, I repeat nothing that could be used to wipe a poo bum!

By now you of course are rightly wondering what on earth I did and perhaps wondering also what you yourself might do in that situation.

Well I did the only thing I could think of. I took off my jeans, then my undies (all the while praying the toilet door wouldn't randomly and automatically open - it would have looked very odd if it had as I still had my pink converse boots on), then proceeded to wipe my bum with the undies (luckily they were a scungy and black pair so kind of camouflaged the poo and were no big loss to my knicker supplies), then I deposited them in the sanitary disposal slot.

I didn't feel bad about this to the cleaner of that particularly horrendous job but did wonder what they would make of it. I had to strategically plan the wipe so as not to use the whole precious knicker surface area in the first wipe or I would be done for and I managed to get three wipes out of it, and none on my hands.

Quite an accomplishment I can tell you, and I actually left (commando style under my jeans of course) quite proud that I had risen to such a challenge with a minimum of panic and poo about the place.

I them went grocery shopping (I had first washed my hands well) and put some new undies on when I got home.

Anyway hope you found that funny...maybe something for the book or would it be crossing a line???

Emails Between Sisters

Hey Mish Mosh,

We have always talked about one day writing a book based on all the funny things we have done called "Emails Between Sisters"

But we have never followed through on it, no surprise there.

So this is my idea and way of making a start. Thought we could write a message to each other once a week, either just to say hi or reliving all the stupid story's we have.

So that one day, god knows when, it's all sitting here for us to do something with.

I have also started another blog so if you want to keep updated on the life of Independent George visit http://amotheralwaysknowsbest.blogspot.com/

Love and Kisses
Trainor Malone